Watching the Oscars the other night made me think of how many hours I have spent watching movies. Some have been entertaining, even transforming, but admittedly, there are some hours of my life spent in front of the large, or even small, screen that I will never get back. So I thought a little 'worst movies ever' meme might be called for.My list isn't really about the Battleship Earth sort of disaster. Or film critics' consensus. These are movies that I went into the theater to see, with high hopes that were dashed, or petered out, slowly and painfully.
Amusingly, I realize, after starting this list, that for many, these films might show up on their "best" lists. To each his own. In no particular order:
Suburbia was incomprehensible, but even worse, boring as the suburban hell it sought to depict.
Lawrence of Arabia, I know, is a classic. I sat through the whole damn thing and learned nothing about T.H. Lawrence except that an extremely long film was made about him and to be sure to pee before you stake out your seat in the theater, because it's a long time until intermission. I will say that the one bright spot in my memory of this film was a scene where the blue of Peter O'Toole's eyes and the blond of his hair matched the desert sky and sand perfectly.Matrix 3. Whatever. I love the blank beauty that is Keanu, but I couldn't take this mess.
Anything by Kenneth Branagh post Emma Thompson. Let's face it, he hasn't done anything good in a long, long time. Frankenstein? Any of his Shakespeare bowdlerizations?
Seabiscuit. Just shoot the damn horse or shoot me, because I can't take this one more minute. Except I had to, because I was on vacation, trapped in a movie theater with my whole family who thought it would be "fun" to see this slow-motion torture. They liked it.
I was given The English Patient on video because the person gifting was sure I'd love it. I tried to watch it more than once and fell asleep every time before the "must see" scene - something with beautiful wall paintings. I refuse to make another attempt.
2001 A Space Odyssey. I know, I know. But I'm sorry, except for a little of the monkeys in the beginning and HAL at the end this is just one long suck. I remember being so excited as a kid when this came to the local movie theater. After a lackluster viewing, I figured I just didn't get it. Years later, still don't get what all the fuss is about. I've heard that it's better if you read the Arthur C. Clarke book. Except it's a movie and should work without a text.Forget Divine Brown. Nine Months is dumbest thing Hugh Grant ever did in Hollywood.
Dune. Even Sting in a leather bikini can't save this. Or sink it. It's just too awful.
So there's ten (counting two Branaghs) for starters. Any "great" films you wish you never saw?
7 comments:
Just off the top of my head this morning:
Love Actually -- dumb and creepy
Reign Over Me -- hide any sharp objects before you put this on, because you'll want to kill somebody or yourself.
Shrek -- Please make it go away.
Disagree with you on Lawrence of Arabia -- I learned quite a lot about T.E.L. from the film, as it happens. Made for some nice little research projects when I was in high school. As for Space 2001 -- you obviously didn't see it under the right circumstances, which is with a group of friends passing the joint back and forth. Daiiiiizzzyyyyy, Daiiiiizzzyyyyy ...
On my list of really bad (as in massively over-rated) films are included:
Scream. It's little more than a bad horror flick combined with a trivia contest of the "how many references to other horror films do you catch" variety. Not even a good "popcorn movie" (which at least the 1998 re-make of Godzilla was). One of the few films I actually almost walked out on, and might have if I hadn't been boxed in by others.
Star Wars "I" (i.e. the fourth film made but the first chronologically in the storyline). All that magnificent CGI in service of nothingness. What a waste.
American Beauty. Completely unsympathetic characters. Completely unsympathetic plot. No redeeming features that I could see.
Matrix. I am assured by my companions at that film that I was simply not in the right mood for it; I'm willing to take their word for this. All the same, I found the film confusing; it tried too hard to be deep and meaningful but was neither; another example of SFX taking precedence over good story telling.
Napoleon Dynamite. None of the characters rang true. I am told it was supposed to be funny. This film struck me as merely stupid.
[shrug]
Steven: Love Actually, - I agree, although seeing Hugh Grant dance embarrassingly was fun - but I like him - we catch Words and Music whenever it's on cable -oops - I feel a guilty pleasures post in its infancy...
Markin: maybe someday I'll be ready for LoA. We'll see. I agree with all of your other choices. I'd even go so far to say that any George Lucas film has turned out to be a waste of time for me, apart from the first (and to me, only) Star Wars movie. Sorry, Empire Strikes Back fans...
p.s. the kid has been in love with the green ogre since birth. I have no choice but to welcome the film into my life. repeatedly. I do think Donkey may be Eddie Murphy's best role.
I didn't expect to like Shrek, especially because of Eddie Murphy (he ruined Disney's Mu Lan for me), but I gave the film a chance and rather liked its riffs on fairy tale lore. I practicaly fell in love with Shrek 2's Puss in Boots, though ... Gawd, how he used that big eye look ...
Perhaps, when she gets a lot older, La Petite will graduate on to Linda Medley's Castle Waiting or Bill Willingham's Fables series. Now those are some serious playings with the fairy tale genre ...
I just googled Castle Waiting - it looks great, but i can't tell - is it something we can read together now, or a little too grown up? Of course i could just read it, sort of like what i did with Philip Pullman.
I don't remember anything actively objectionable (vis-a-vis young children) in Castle Waiting, but it is definitely aimed at a more adult audience. Lucy wouldn't appreciate it now.
The Fables series is definitely too old for her.
I wish my copies of these books weren't in storage, so I can't just walk down the hall and let you look for yourself. Like Shrek, they take the characters and general backgrounds of fairy tales and recycling them into different stories altogether, but these graphic novels add much darker content, especially Fables.
On the other hand, try Netflixing The Tenth Kingdom some time (or wait for me to remember to bring it in and lend it to you). Probably too grown-up for Lucy, still, but it covers the same sort of ground. It's not a great film (well, actually, mini-series), but it has its moments.
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